How can I explain my sadness, when I don't understand it myself. I can perhaps start with writing what it is not. It is not quantifiable, it's not feeling low or down, it is nothing. For me it's an absence of feeling, an absence of connection, an absence of communication, an absence of everything.
I live the daily routine as though I'm an automaton, merely functioning as trained to do, without violation, without spark or interest and without any meaning other than the fact that stuff has to be done, like brushing your teeth, showering, answering the phone, reading, watching some TV, and sleeping. It is not a LACK of a particular thing that brings on this great discontent rather it is an overwhelming of situations, events, conversations, sounds, people, interactions, expectations, disappointments that trigger a chain of downward spiral. I find myself being crumpled beneath weight of heavy dark mountains, I start to suffer pain, chronic, debilitating back pain, head aches, eye aches, jaw pain, sleeplessness. My body suddenly gives up on me; it kicks me out of myself. I believe I become two people - one, who is the suffering body and the other whose squalor is the mind observed by yet another third objective party. It becomes crowded indeed.Marks of depression manifest as half done tasks, wrong sleeping habits, withdrawal, and irritation and simply a desire to be alone and quite. I want to accomplish so much, I want to write regularly, I want to design, get a degree, perhaps do a PHD, start a business, start a blog.... all dreams I am unable to either start working on or keep working at. This inefficacy feeds into the vicious cycle of low self esteem, an affirmation of decided failure before I take the first step
I live the daily routine as though I'm an automaton, merely functioning as trained to do, without violation, without spark or interest and without any meaning other than the fact that stuff has to be done, like brushing your teeth, showering, answering the phone, reading, watching some TV, and sleeping. It is not a LACK of a particular thing that brings on this great discontent rather it is an overwhelming of situations, events, conversations, sounds, people, interactions, expectations, disappointments that trigger a chain of downward spiral. I find myself being crumpled beneath weight of heavy dark mountains, I start to suffer pain, chronic, debilitating back pain, head aches, eye aches, jaw pain, sleeplessness. My body suddenly gives up on me; it kicks me out of myself. I believe I become two people - one, who is the suffering body and the other whose squalor is the mind observed by yet another third objective party. It becomes crowded indeed.Marks of depression manifest as half done tasks, wrong sleeping habits, withdrawal, and irritation and simply a desire to be alone and quite. I want to accomplish so much, I want to write regularly, I want to design, get a degree, perhaps do a PHD, start a business, start a blog.... all dreams I am unable to either start working on or keep working at. This inefficacy feeds into the vicious cycle of low self esteem, an affirmation of decided failure before I take the first step
A bold truth!
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